Metroid

I don't normally play games based on a title alone, and I typically avoid fan-games, fan-fiction and fan-anything-else like the plague, but... I also happen to think that there's potential for IF games in the Metroidvania style, so I decided to give this one a go. For the uninitiated, 'Metroidvania' games, named for their progenitors, Metroid and Castlevania, are action-platformers involving exploration, character-progression and, to a lesser extent, storyline. The main character will typically have to explore a sprawling environment, such as an alien planet or ancient castle, find items to improve their abilities, and then use those abilities to access new areas or defeat more powerful foes.

None of which is evident in this IF game. Instead we find a constant stream of entirely random battles that happen to name-check a few characters and locations from the original Metroid (each with what I suspect is supposed to be a humorous (TM) after them). Type SHOOT METROID and USE HEALTHPACK (not actually something present in any Metroid title) about a hundred times and the game ends. That's it.

I sometimes see this grouped in with the IF Arcade submissions. But while most of those games seem to involve a reasonable adaptation or deconstruction of the originals, this sparse title takes nothing from its supposed inspiration, and gives nothing unique from itself.

Chances are, there are not too many people who remember, but in 2001, when Nintendo had announced the release of a new Metroid game for GameCube, game critics feared that it wouldn't make the transition to 3-D. One magazine from that time had a three-frame comic showing worse things that could have happened to Metroid. One was to make it into a text adventure game. The other two were to make it into a Dr. Mario-style puzzle game, or a rhythm game not unlike Space Channel 5.

The author must be one of the few other people to have read that, because before long, there was a TADS game based on that very idea. It is deliberately primitive, to emphasize just how bad it would have been to actually turn Metroid into a text adventure game. Just shoot metroids as they come and use healthpacks when necessary. Repeat until you die.