Conan Kill Everything

A short but amusing one-room joke game that is exactly what it says it is: you are Conan, you kill EVERYTHING. There's not much to analyze about it, but it's good for a quick laugh.

Conan Kill Everything was intended to be dumb humor. The author chose the name from a competition for dumbest IF games. In this game, you must kill everything. When you do, you win.

The puzzles are actually pretty fun, but the game feels a bit underimplemented at times. Descriptions of objects and characters are sparse. It fits in with the game's setting, though.

Honestly, the game plays like a combination of Pick Up the Phonebooth and Die with Suveh Nux. If you liked those two games, you'll like this. If you liked just one, you might or might not like this.

There is not much time spent on finding out what to do in this game: the player simply has to behave like a tough barbarian, destroying everything which can possibly destroyed.

The game offers some little puzzles, but they can be solved quite easily. There is hardly anything like a plot -- so the story is about doing what the title of the game is, and there is not much more to be done. Just kill everything. And if there is not any such a thing, try to find it. And then kill it.

It sounds dumb and it probably is, but in a funny way. The ending highlights the joke behind it all. As the puzzles are quite easy, this game is recommendable for beginners of the genre. It is short, straight to the point and positively worth a try.

I liked this game. Short and simple.

But I feel that there are some missed opportunities. For example :

(Spoiler - click to show)> wait
Time passes.

> kill time
Conan cannot see that.

> kill
What do you want to kill?

> everything
You can’t use multiple objects with that verb.

Still, it's amusing.

Play it if: you've got a few minutes to kill and a few brain cells to waste.

Don't play it if: you want a bit more ambition in your IF than - well, almost nothing - and if you are easily enraged by the dumbing-down of the character of Conan as portrayed in external works.

A seemingly one-note joke of a game that actually does have a few puzzles, I'm not sure whether to praise Conan Kill Everything for keeping its admittedly simple premise brief, or wonder if a longer pastiche of the (now ubiquitous) dim-witted caricature of the character is in order.

But I won't be too picky. This is a fairly funny game, and the point of the joke is made. There are even some minor puzzles and a number of nice touches like Conan's reactions to kissing or cutting things. In sum, it's an OK time-waster.

A mildly entertaining 15-minute play with a single-premise joke - kill everything. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but I enjoyed it enough for it to be memorable.

A game best described as one of those roadside games where you have to jump wooden pegs until you have one left. While it's possible to die early, it is also possible to get stuck in the middle. The game prevents you from making kills that may prevent later kills, which means you really can't get dead-ended. It also means you may be stalled without a clue on how to proceed.

Some of the puzzles infer a solution I couldn't apply, (Spoiler - click to show)as I kept trying to reach the torch to burn the wood golem; and others it seems where not enough clues are given in the descriptions to suggest an action, (Spoiler - click to show)like the table is killed not as you would think. Most of the solutions were obvious, but those last few unfortunately required a walkthrough. I would have liked a hint system.

Worth a short puzzle-solving playthrough.

It's a pretty simple game to review, since it's just a joke game, the idea is somewhat funny, the game is very short (5-10 minutes), with only a couple "puzzles".

Still, the idea isn't bad, if you have some minutes to spare.

This is one of those games, like YOU HAVE TO BURN THE ROPE or Pick up the Phone Booth and Die, where the title could double as the walkthrough. Killing everything does entail a few very minor puzzles, but essentially you just do what it says on the box. Thoroughness is rewarded.

So it's not very ambitious. Is it fun? Yeah, more or less, but I found that the implementation wasn't quite smooth enough and I actually got hung up on stupid things midway through the game. You have to kill things in a specific order, and if you try to deviate from this order, the game won't let you go forward; since I had completely the wrong idea about how to solve one of the puzzles, this left me stuck for longer than the game really deserved.

Then, too, the humor wasn't quite to my taste. It's supposed to be broad, I realize, but the one-note joke had worn out well before the game ended.

As seen in Baf's guide, "Stupid, but in a good way." is probably the best way to describe this unexpectedly fun mini-game. What should be a 1-star bad joke in IF form turns into a 3-star good joke in IF form as you find yourself actually putting some effort into figuring out how to get Conan to kill everything.

At least one line involving the spider made me laugh out loud. I look forward to trying more serious efforts from this author.

It is a good thing that Robert E. Howard is not around to see what happened to his barbarian, Conan. Though his original stories are by no means great literature, neither are they the violent, mindless trash that later generations have associated with Conan the Barbarian.

Conan Kill Everything takes that later tradition to its logical extreme. Conan has found the evil wizard, and in order to exact his revenge, he kills everything. Absolutely everything.

In order to kill everything, Conan must solve a couple of very standard puzzles. There are some humorous elements, including the speeches of the wizard and the final move which you need to make to win the game; but in the end, the game is totally forgettable. The jokes are not brilliant; the puzzles are not themselves interesting; and it parodies something that is already so far beyond the limits of good taste and serious intention that it does not allow for parody.

Since you can play the entire game in 15 minutes, you still might want to give it a try.