Reviews by Lance Cirone

My Girlfriend's An Evil Bitch is, first and foremost, a wilderness survival management simulator. I realize this genre appeals to some people, but it felt poorly planned and executed here. For reference, I played release 13.

The thing is, you don't know what this game will be the first time you play. I was sure I could take my time and explore my house, maybe see a bit of what's on the street, and then take my car to the airport on time. Every turn after 3:00 PM, the game will nag you with the same piece of text after every command. It got annoying fast as I repeatedly tried to fight my way there, and you will end up seeing it a lot, because there's no way you're getting everything done before the survival aspect. Especially if you're taking time to prepare.

I bought everything from the pawn shop, because I thought I'd be able to find more to sell. I couldn't, not even the diamond ring and violin I found in my house safe, which I thought would be worth a good amount. There's a bookstore with hint books, and a general store, too. Once you pass a certain point, you can't come back for any of this, and it's up to you to do the wilderness survival portion using just what you got to prepare.

Once you crash into the wilderness, it's up to you to get rescued. I opted to use the radio I bought from the pawn shop. The thing is, no matter what you do, you don't feel like you're making progress. I staked out a hollowed-out old tree to bide my time, but even after I cleaned it up with some nice wooden flooring and stones to keep the bugs away, staying there didn't seem to do anything different. I had to make my fire outside, and while I had more than enough material to burn and ways to light it, it didn't do much (heat doesn't matter). It made smoke that the game said could help someone find me, but that didn't go anywhere. Repairing the radio was a bit more complex than I expected, but I hooked it up to a speaker, had the fire burning and making smoke, and got a notice saying I was ready to go. I decided to wait it out until help arrived, rationing out what meager food I had... and died before anything really happened.

The hunger and thirst mechanics are maddening. You have a limited amount of food, so that's constantly working against you. For thirst, you have a stream to drink from, but you can also buy a canteen from the general store and fill it up. If you don't? You have to run back and forth between your shelter and the river to drink, which also lowers your hunger and thirst meters massively with how much time it takes. I guess what I'm supposed to do now is start over, solve all the puzzles again while the game repeatedly shouts at me to go to the airport, spare myself an excess purchase (maybe the matches) to find the general store and buy the canteen, and then gamble for another chance at survival? I'd probably just die of hunger again, even though I picked up all the food I saw on my first run.

One important aspect to note: it does seem like there's a lot you can do here. The hints detail a bit of content that I didn't come across, but it seems equally as frustrating as what I did see, so I'm not enthused to play more. Maybe if you're willing to give this one a lot of replays to find a solution, it'd be worth it? As it stands, I really didn't enjoy it.

The first time I played Colour Beyond Time, it was on the unfinished Adventuron version. I found a bug that prevented me from finishing it, and when the author was alerted of it, he fixed the game and even ported over the third part. With the game now in a complete state (I played version 3.3), I think it's only right to give it another review. For transparency, the text of the original review is in the comments.

Let's start with the plot. Your friend Carble has left you a note: everything rests on you to stop an ancient being from rising from the lake and destroying the world! It's up to you to explore the town, figure out who you trust, and uncover what's really going on. I enjoyed the story, the bits of history you pick up and get to mentally string together, and the way the characters interact. Spoilers, but (Spoiler - click to show)I did NOT expect the hotel manager to have such an important role in the story.

The puzzles throughout felt pretty fair. I kept notes, so I always had an idea of what was left to solve or where I should go next. There is one thing I think I did earlier than intended, though: (Spoiler - click to show)I wound up finding Sasha's hideout before opening the library's archive. Still, it didn't spoil any of the plot, and the puzzles didn't conflict.

Part 3's more intense tone and the way it ties everything together felt satisfying. I liked the plot developments, but it left me with an unanswered question or two: (Spoiler - click to show)We never got to know what happened to Meeks and the hotel manager. The former isn't seen after you escape the hotel, and the latter isn't even brought up as far as I remember. A small graphical detail I liked was the (Spoiler - click to show)increasingly distorted backgrounds. They added to the feeling of impending doom. In order to play this part, you need a password from the end of part 2.

One small problem I noticed throughout was the lack of specific responses or even item descriptions. I got a lot of default responses for examining or trying to take things. Having it say "you can't find it" when I tried to take described items in a room was frustrating, to say the least. Carble even has an explicitly mentioned and illustrated giant window in his room, and I wanted to look out of it and see what I could see, only to get that default response for everything I tried. Part 3 also gave me a few errors: "LISTEN" always printed a blank line, even when it was described that I could overhear someone talking, and "SEARCH" gave me the same text throughout as it did the end of part 2, referring to (Spoiler - click to show)being able to see the well at the bottom of the ocean, from the rowboat, even though I wasn't there anymore. The game also has some typos throughout, but these didn't prevent me from understanding the plot and they never got in the way of the parser.

A few more general notes about the game, and advice for players: Save often, because you can die if you mess up. Still, the game will explicitly warn you when you're in danger. You also have a score counter that you can see by checking your pocket watch; the SCORE command doesn't work. There's a limit on how many items you can carry, but I only ran into this once near the end of part 2. You have a fair amount of junk items you don't need by that point, so it wasn't much of an issue.

Overall, I found Colour Beyond Time to be worth playing. There is a rewarding story and the developer has been very good at responding to my comments and questions. I recommend this one if you're looking for something more old-school.

(Adapted from an intfiction.org post)

You are Douglas Reilly, a detective for hire. One day, you receive a notice from the Baron: his daughter, Lisa von Bulow, has run away with a no-good scumbag named Erik McAllister. It’s up to you and your trusty servant Wesson to find Lisa, ensure her safety, and maybe even convince her that she can do better. And so begins PataNoir!

PataNoir's main appeal is that it’s based on similes. Places you explore will be littered with descriptions that mention similes: hard like a brick, cold like ice, sharp as a knife. And it’s up to you to figure out what to do with that brick, ice, and knife. The few real-world objects you collect usually cannot be combined with the simile items, but you can apply them to people, such as putting marble on someone’s face to make them unexpressive. You also have a servant, Wesson, and you’ll need his help to accomplish some tasks. Otherwise, you can ask him for a nudge in the right direction. He’s basically the game’s hint system, and I found this helpful and unobtrusive.

There’s some elements to PataNoir that didn’t feel quite right. For one, the parser is simplified so that you can just type an object’s name to interact with it, or “[object 1] [object 2]” to apply something to something else. I realize this might have been done to help people more unfamiliar with IF, but it wouldn’t always give me the right action I wanted by default. I found the interactions between the real world and the simile objects kind of inconsistent – I initially assumed it was a clear-cut “theoretical objects can’t affect real world ones”, but there’s multiple puzzles that go against this, despite the game telling you otherwise. There’s also numerous puzzles or items that didn’t go anywhere: what was I supposed to do with the (Spoiler - click to show)angry giant, trumpet statue, or old knight and mummies? There’s no real distinction between something that’s just there for silly flavor text or an integral part of a puzzle. It got a little confusing, but thankfully, Wesson can tell you if you still need to do anything in the room.

I thought the characters and story in this game were simple, but strong. Douglas is a straight-laced detective who never wants his work to get personal, but respects his rules and guidelines. His dialogue with others isn’t mind-blowing, but it gives him some nice character. Throughout the game, you’ll visit classic noir locales such as a casino, a dirty apartment, and a dingy bar. The plot has a few twists and turns, and it kept me engaged and wanting to play more. There’s even a bonus scene you can get before the ending if you solve an optional endgame puzzle, which I was satisfied with. I was a bit split on how I felt about the very last scene, though, which shows up no matter which ending you get before; (Spoiler - click to show)I found it a bit depressing at first, but I realize it was foreshadowed well and ultimately doesn’t nullify everything you’ve done.

Ultimately, I had fun with PataNoir. It never gets too frustrating, there’s no game-breaking bugs and very few chances to get a game over, and the idea of being able to use similes to your advantage is creative and executed well. This isn’t one of my favorite IF games, but it captures the genre well, and it’s a good time if you want something light.

(Adapted from an intfiction.org post)

For a Change has a dreamlike quality to it. All of its unusual logic comes together and really makes sense, ending up with a truly unforgettable experience. The game’s language is succinct and yet very descriptive: one line in particular that impressed me was The sun beats overhead, lending brightness and warmth, both long distant from the land you know. Items you find are strange, such as a “handlefish” or an “anchisel”, which are minimally described beyond some key traits about their demeanor. The game gives you a lot of time and material to immerse yourself in the world and try to visualize what you’re really dealing with. It wound up feeling rewarding to even figure out what an item or technique was, and then how to use it.

The key plot of For a Change is that you have to figure out how to bring the Sun back to your small land, which is overcast by a long wall. Beings in the meantime have figured out how to adapt to life in the shade. A major mechanic involves a small model replica of your land, closed off by a glass case. Your interactions and what you do to the world will end up making the true concept of the game more obvious. The climax in particular felt really satisfying.

For a Change is a short game (should only take around two hours, give or take a half, on a blind run), so it’s easy to recommend for a quick-yet-high quality experience. I kept the review light on spoiler details because I think it's fun to figure out on your own. It’s not that hard and it has an optional built-in hint system, plus there's no way to make it unwinnable. Give it a try.

Dinner Bell is a one-room game full of silly humor. Your goal is, from inside your test chamber, to find 16 food items. You instinctively put them in a grocery bag, despite starving, due to the conditioning from Dr. Beagle.

In Dinner Bell, it's worth trying some weird or silly stuff to see what it has to say. My favorite joke involved either the bucket of wax pears, or the Shiptogar. The game's theming is also pretty interesting and unique, and I haven't seen anything else like it.

It's a quick game, but there's a lot to like here. I recommend it.

The Mary Jane of Tomorrow has a cute, low-stakes story with a really creative core mechanic: procedurally generated text. You're training a robot called the Pine Nut Queen, and it learns from various books and texts you feed it from around the house. Its dialogue and responses change according depending on what it has learned. Your main goal is to make sure it'll correctly respond to the questions Jenny is going to ask it, but in the process of getting there, you'll teach it all kinds of stuff. The implementation of this is seamless, and resulted in some really funny messages. The puzzles are pretty simple, but still enjoyable.

Also, this game is set in the same universe as Brain Guzzlers from Beyond! While I've now beaten both, I played this game before Brain Guzzlers. I still enjoyed it, so don't let that scare you away -- from what I remember, it doesn't connect to the specific events of Brain Guzzlers, and just involves the some of the same characters.

In a Manor of Speaking is one of the funniest games I've ever played. Every line in this game is some sort of pun, and the writing style is so enthusiastic and excited. For instance, a "piece of your mind" is described as being "very thoughtful", and you can pick eyes off an eyepatch (failing to use them properly results in "Eye don't think that's such a good idea!"). You can walk into a bar (ouch!). You get to literally take a tourist's picture, find the proof in the pudding, and grow birdseed. There's such a manic energy to this game, I love it. It reminded me of Nord and Bert and You are a Chef!

This game may not be an in-depth puzzlefest, or have super deep characters, or an intricate story, but it's just fun. It's a comfort game, and it never fails to cheer me up every time I go to it. That's what makes it worth five stars for me.

Suveh Nux lets you work out what it's all about just by experimentation. Once I got my book, I started off by typing all the spell names. Then I charted down their effects, and what happened if I used them more than once. This just led to more ideas with what I could do, and it feels rewarding to keep trying and learning new spells. There's a small aspect that confused me, and it was (Spoiler - click to show)the ANI effect. I noticed that some of my effects were delayed, but I thought it was a method to make my next spells immediately more powerful; like maybe it would be better than casting it multiple times in a row? Still, the game has a useful hint system, and is loaded with Easter eggs. Try everything you can, and even if you don't, it's still a fun game.

Not the Lord of the Rings is an embarrassingly shallow game. It's full of immature "adult" humor. You'll run into characters such as Dildo Bumbite, Pipdick Brandymuck, and Stam Gangrene. Items you get include old underwear and smoked joints. Nothing in this regard is witty, funny, or even really has to do with the source material. It's just edgy and gross for the sake of it.

The game content doesn't fare any better, either. Walk through a bunch of rooms, pick up items (most of which are red herrings), explore some mazes. Whenever you come across someone, you usually have to give them an item, but there's barely any logic behind it. It's not fun to play, and none of the rooms or segments really stand out.

The parser doesn't respond to ABOUT, HELP, or most other out-of-world commands. The logic is inconsistent: you can't use GREEN to refer to a green key, but you have to use STONE to refer to a stone key, which is even more confusing because you already have an item that's a pile of stones. Even the speed at which it registers text is disappointing, and I had to type slower than normal or else it wouldn't pick up on everything. You also can't backspace and delete text you've already written, or use up and down to scroll through past commands.

Don't play Not the Lord of the Rings. It gave me Stiffy Makane vibes, if anything. There is nothing of value in this game.

You are a Chef! is flat-out one of the silliest games I've ever played. Stuff randomly falls from the sky and you have to put it in a pot. There are jokes like "It's called a parking lot because there is a LOT of parking!" It's a game that consistently makes me laugh whenever I play it, and I love it for that. Not the hardest or most complex entry in the IF catalog, but it's fun to turn your brain off and just laugh at a funny clown getting a safe dropped on it.