Girth Loinhammer and the Quest for Five Freakin' Minutes

Written for Day 27 of Flash Fiction Month 2024. The challenge was: Write a work of interactive fiction in which at least half the choices are provided by the “2600 Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do During An RPG” Generator.

My Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do were:

• 2559. Can’t wish for the genie to get me the best possible refund on my taxes every year.
  
• 1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop.
  
• 182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
  
• 762. Fighter can’t put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
  
• 1310. I will pick my character’s girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide.
  
• 420. “For the King” is an example of a good battle cry. “Smoke the Mother” is not.
  
• 1337. Can’t lure the Bastet into an ambush by turning on the can opener.
  
• 1024. Slings make poor thongs. And vice versa.
  
• 2089. Even if it is a real way to kill somebody, I can’t burke the bad guy.
  
• 2050. Can’t use the bureaucracy skill to indefinitely delay a rival going through customs. Yeah, made no sense to me either.
  
• 513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.