The Very Big Cave Adventure

Somewhere, deep in the primordial forest known to men as Epping, lies a valley which time has forgotten and everyone else would like to. And in the depths of that valley, locked firmly into the solid granite is an iron grate. A grate which, if it could be opened, would lead the hopeful traveller into a vast network of underground caves in which he might find riches beyond his wildest dreams or encounter grim death in a thousand lurking forms.
Alright. Belt up. I know you've read all this sort of stuff before. This is a cassette inlay you know. You've got to write things like that on cassette inlays. Now if you don't zip your face up and listen to the rest of it I'll throw that rotten tomato right back at you. Only I won't miss.
Well, now you've interrupted me, I might as well introduce myself. My name is Trixie Trinian. I'm a prefect at St Bride's and a crack shot with a ripe tomato. I also happen to be the best possible guide for grasping adventurers seeking fame and fortune in the Very Big Caves.

And even if I'm not, I'm the only one you're going to get.