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by David Welbourn

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Total Paddling Mania

by Dr. Aloysius and Ph.D Beltway


(based on 5 ratings)
2 reviews

About the Story

"You need a paddle! Without a paddle, an adult is just a cartoon character to a child. With a paddle, the adult becomes a powerful force of justice and order in the hedonistic and ignorant world of the child."
[--blurb from The Z-Files Catalogue]

Game Details

Editorial Reviews

Baf's Guide

An unsubtle, sparse, and shallow piece of propaganda that advocates that paddling kids is good, and that time-outs are stupid. There's an unruly kid. You can paddle him, but only once. The option of using a time-out isn't implemented. Other than paddling, there's little else to do. The game doesn't have an ending. The only funny line is taken from South Park. Pass.

-- David Welbourn

I might be missing something here and if I am, then I think I should be glad. A sad, sad "game" for which I can find no redeeming features, avoid like the plague.

-- John Ferris
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Number of Reviews: 2
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
Useless, June 10, 2010
by tggdan3 (Michigan)

Game? Is there a game here? There's a map which is much too big, considering there is nothing to do in most rooms. You go, find a paddle, and then go beat a child with it.

Presumably, the child has done something. Beating him is not enough, you need to take him into a special room and strap him to a restraint system first.

But beating him twice is abuse.

There is an old man you can talk to, one "full of wisdom", but all he responds to is "ask man about paddle", to which he quotes the game's tagline.

I get it, the author is in favor of paddling. I don't know if IF is the right way to get this opinion across. Rendition was a more thorough experiment into beating someone, and at least seemed to provide a motive, other than that children need to be beaten.

Don't bother with this. Unless you feel like you want to beat a child, I guess.

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0 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
Short but funny - IF one takes the time to explore, July 30, 2011
by Woolis (Auf Der Autobahn)

Previous reviewers seem to me to have discounted this little gem of humor as unworthy of sincere exploration from the start, and many comments and complaints reveal exactly this lack of due diligence. Panning this game as "propaganda" is hardly fair. The game is listed in the "joke" category.

Granted, political correctness dictates that "paddling" is verboten, and so the icy reception is to be expected, but my experience with the game was perhaps different and more rewarding than others' because I approached it with an earnest curiosity and eagerness to discover - and a willingness to spend some time - rather than with preconceived notions and a desire to get on to something more 'serious' involving swords, sorcery and grues.

I chose to proceed toward the "Paddling Werkshop" first, and enjoyed my first belly-laugh reading the rules sign. I then approached and questioned the receptionist (or "old bag", as the author notes, freeing players from the burden of typing "receptionist" with every new command.) She didn't know much, but she was able to tell me precisely what wrongs the kid had done to earn his place in the game. For those too impatient, unskilled with Interactive Fiction commands, or politically correct to "ask" the "old bag" about the "kid", I will quote her response as a 'spoiler':

(Spoiler - click to show) >ask old bag about kid
She says, "That kid elbowed a little girl in the nose and then kicked his teacher. He needs a paddling! His parents said that they always use time-out but that he doesn't seem to pay any attention to it."

Some further spoiler/suggestions for those who either didn't have time or don't/didn't feel like exploring the game :

(Spoiler - click to show)
- Examine everything/everyone
- Ask the Old Bag about the kid (if you didn't read the spoiler above :)
- Take the Time-Out man's milquetoast (examine it!) then examine him and/or ask him about things.
- After taking the paddle, try to paddle either/both of the men.
- Ask the Paddling man about the Werkshoppe, Baylor and children.
- After taking the kid, ask him something, then ask the Old Bag about the kid again.
- Examine the kid after putting him in the Bender 5000
- After paddling the kid (50pts! WIN!) examine him and ask him something, then take him and drop him, then examine him again.
- The "only funny line" mentioned by the rather hostile initial reviewer can be produced, once the paddle is taken, by attempting to paddle an inanimate object, such as the Time-Out man's toast. Of course, the result of trying to paddle things without a paddle is somewhat humorous, also.

Using only the most basic and obvious command words and phrases such as, "examine X", "ask X about Y" "take X" "drop X", this game yielded up a great deal more humor than reviews have given it credit. This game is obviously not intended to - nor will it - change anyone's mind on the subject of whether or not hitting children is appropriate, so kindly abandon any such anxieties at the door and enjoy this short and quite humorously irreverent "Interactive Punishment Jag", as the author dubbed it.

For those who find this game or the concept of paddling to be funny, I suspect the author of this game or someone with a similar sense of humor has established a Web site at WackenHurt Systems, Inc.

It is crucial to mention that neither the game nor the site contain any sexual fetishism related material of any kind whatsoever - in fact, the Web site is explicit in its condemnation of those who give paddling humor a bad name and a sleazy reputation.

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This is version 5 of this page, edited by David Welbourn on 5 March 2018 at 7:53pm. - View Update History - Edit This Page - Add a News Item - Delete This Page