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Future lost, March 26, 2023Textos Blast from the Past is disposable garbage. It's unfunny, it's immature, it's unfinished, and there's nothing worthwhile about it.
You play as Texto. Your bird friend, Oreo the Parrot, has built a time machine for you on top of an abandoned toy warehouse. Also, you live in a cave. All of this is established from the first paragraph. The game runs on a similar form of nonsense, but none of it is particularly funny. Also, you apparently have the power to text while driving, which never comes up in the game. Some mediocre drawings outline your adventure.
You leave your cave, go parkouring, and kill someone in the process. The game contains lines like "Your a dumbass" and involves multiple casual murders for no reason at all. Anyways, you are trying to capture proof of your "badassness" to activate your time machine. So you stab some guy in the crotch so "his ballsack blood and everything go everywhere." If you fail this segment, you're sent back to earlier and have to click the same options to get back to where you were, adding a tedious bit of frustration to an already short game.
After this, you arrive in a forest with Oreo. But rather than any description, you get an "{UNKNOWN TEMPLATE: THE END OF CHAPTER 1 - THE PRESENT}" and are left with nothing else. I can't say I'm excited to see what Texto would have gotten up to next.