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The First Day

by Brett Chalupa profile


Web Site

(based on 2 ratings)
1 review

About the Story

The first day of the journey of a young woman making her way to her parentsí home to escape the outbreak of a plague originating from the West Coast of North America.

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Number of Reviews: 1
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
Dark apocalyptic Twine piece, December 16, 2016
by streever (America)

This short Twine piece tells the story of a young woman headed to her familial home after an outbreak of plague in California.

The piece is dark, with numerous 'bad' endings, similar in nature to a CYOA book; thankfully, Twine's default undo lets the reader move backward and continue past the bad endings.

I liked some of the small details throughout, which contributed to a sense of place and space, but the pacing was a weaker point, especially in the opening, when the backstory is told through a long series of choice-less clicks. I think parts of this read too much like a traditional narrative, and it could be edited tighter to leave a sense of mystery and questions. Do we need to know the details of the plague? I'd rather get more into my character--her motivations, her goals, who she is.

The actions didn't make me connect with the character, and I'm not sure if that's because this is such a short piece, or if it's because of the 3rd-party approach, where the character is never "I" but instead "she"; the consistent use of a third-party pronoun may have contributed to my sense that I was really just flipping the pages in an electronic book, not inhabiting a character and making choices.

I think this piece would benefit from some tightening and editing; the opening scene is well-done, and the writing does have a raw, natural rhythm to it. I think a little editing by the author (especially reducing the consistent use of 'she' throughout) would improve the overall writing and strengthen the natural rhythm the writer has.

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This is version 2 of this page, edited by Doug Orleans on 16 December 2016 at 4:23pm. - View Update History - Edit This Page - Add a News Item - Delete This Page