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by cdf121

Science Fiction

Web Site

(based on 2 ratings)
1 review

About the Story

A short interactive adventure made using the open source tool called Twine. Made originally for Ludum Dare 30. It is about a captain who is about to install the first ever interplanetary telephone.

Game Details

Language: English (en)
Current Version: V1.0
License: Freeware
Development System: Twine
Forgiveness Rating: Merciful
TUID: 9khtzu9we6v2ikku


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Number of Reviews: 1
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4 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
Not Proofread, Needs Work, August 30, 2014
by Hanon Ondricek (United States)

I suspect this game was written by someone either very young and new to writing, or someone whose primary language is not English.

I quit reading this Twine after several clicks due to:

*A huge number of spelling and grammar mistakes right at the beginning that don't encourage me that the writing will get better. For example "Mars" is capitalized when you are speaking of the planet.

*Poor writing above and beyond spelling and grammar. Awkward phrasing, adult language that seems completely inappropriate for the situation, prose changes from second person to first person and back again. Here's an example:

You notice who it was that was yelling for you, and immediately wished you hadn’t. “Hey captain.” She says in her overly excited voice of her with her sound piercing your eardrums. “So I’ve been meaning to talk to you lately you haven’t been coming to your check ups recently, and I know a certain someone who needs one.” The last bit she says with a patronizingly cheerful change of voice.

“No.” You say in the harshest tone of voice you can.

“Awww...,” she says as if she’s five. “But you promised you would at least have one session with me before the trip was over.”

“You’re no fun Mr.Poopypants.” She says as if that’s spouse to make you feel bad rather than making her look foolish.

“Now if you don’t mind I’d rather eat my breakfast in peace.” You say with a gentle happiness in your voice and a sly smile on your face.

“Fine, but you own me two visits on the way back to earth.” She says cheerfully as if she’s won some argument or something, but in all reality she just acted like a kid. But either way who knew that Therapists can be such a child, let alone necessary in space travel. Your stomach growls suddenly

Without picking it apart, there are uncapitalized proper names ("Earth" "Captain") capitalized words that are not proper names ("Therapists"), comma splices, incorrect quotation punctuation, sentence fragments, and things such as the word "spouse" substituting for the word "supposed" which is why I have a hunch this was written by a young author just writing what they heard in their head and neglecting to proofread. Despite that, this petulant exchange between purportedly the captain of a starship and its doctor sounds more like lunchroom "cootie" talk then dialogue between two people over the age of ten.

*General lack of meaningful choice. Most of the clicks I make are a choice of one to get the next story bit. The couple of times I had a choice of two things, it's your typical "get out of bed/don't get out of bed" sort of false choice that doesn't affect the story one bit.

I would have continued with this if the writing was competent, or if the plot started off with a bang. I encourage the author to continue writing and also reading; doing both are only real way to get better at writing. I also suggest to always get someone you know to proofread a work before releasing it to the entire world.

This is version 1 of this page, edited by cdf121 on 28 August 2014 at 9:13pm. - View Update History - Edit This Page - Add a News Item