Toilet Quest: In Which a Goblin Has an Adventure on the Way to the Bathroom

You're a Goblin named V'Lhargh D'Hargh (pronounced like an old man clearing his throat). The Evil King in the West has found a weapon that can destroy the Land of Mournia and you're part of a Goblin Horde marching to stop him.

It's a classic "Good Guys with magic vs. Bad Guys with magic" situation. If you're being honest, you're not entirely sure which side you're on. Look, these scenarios are morally confusing.

Things aren't all bad, you were recently won the Horde Hot Sauce Eating Champion (congrats!). But all that hot sauce is burning its way out of your stomach and it's on the verge of becoming an emergency (gross!).

Can you find someplace to go to the bathroom without getting arrested for desertion? What about the mad wizard kidnapping Goblins along the war route? What about the forest full of pint sized flesh eating monsters?

You can't worry about that, your stomach hurts and you have to find the bathroom.